Of bullets and Shanaya…

How does one remain sane nowadays? With a war raging on one side and Shanaya Kapoor’s imminent launch in a Karan Johar wrapper?

I wonder what would happen if an alien visit earth today, possibly for a reconnaissance before an invasion sometime in the near future. Let’s assume he is on a fact-finding mission, and how does one find facts on this planet? Someone tells him to check the news, so here he is – browsing everything from CNN of the Americas to NDTV from Pakistan.

Apparently Putin is the bad guy, he concludes prematurely, before he reaches Wiki and finds out a lot (A LOT) more about the history of ‘peaceful’ Europe. Seems like they were fighting and colonizing pretty much for their whole existence before cooling down since 1945 and engaging in economic wars instead. Hmm..

He turns to Asia and scrolls through Hindustan Times (India) and NDTV (err…never mind). There is a bit on Putin, a whole load on something called elections and some students being rescued and appearing thankless at times.

But the biggest thing going on seems to be cricket, and some girl called Shanaya who scores an article a week from the past six months, with titles such as – vacay goals in Maldives, Shanaya acing bikinis and her ‘sassy caption about her new look’, ‘girl on fire’, Shanaya goes for coffee runs, Shanaya satiates her sweet tooth cravings, Shanaya Kapoor’s birthdays are a foodie’s delight every year…it goes on and on.

The funny bit? She has not yet starred in a single movie, and not done anything of social consequence besides being born in the right place at the right time to the right people. Who happen to have a fat PR campaign budget.

The alien also makes note of someone called Kangana Ranaut who apparently has a big problem with that, and a certain Shashi Tharoor who seems to be interested in both.

Reporting back on this planet is a task – he thinks to himself. On one side are people killing each other, and the other side has people fussing about shades of pink dresses. Which one matters more to these humans, he wonders.

Lost in thought, he does not spot the person lurking in the shadows…mike in hand…a reporter from the Republic.

Thankfully, the earth will now be safe.

See you tomorrow!